[Man] Hello, Beaver! Hi, Wally!
[Girl] Mommy, there's Bert, the pie man!
- [ Woman ] Morning, Bert! - Hello, Mrs. Brown!
Great day, isn'tit? Yep!
- Have a good day, dear. - You too, honey.
[ Electricity Crackles ]
- [ Barking ] - Oh!
I'll get you for this, Beaver Cleaver!
[ Gasping]
Oh!
[ Cat Screeches ]
PR R
- Morning, Bert! - Morning, Bert!
Morning, boys! Great day, isn'tit?
[ Groaning ]
[Grunts]
Sorry, mister. That was the first one I missed all day.
Huh'!
( Hey, Wally, stop, stop! Please! )
Thereitis. That's the most beautiful thing ll ever seen.
[ Boy ] Well, golly, gee'! It's Wally and the Beaver at the bike shop.
What do you want, Eddie Haskell?
The usual. See how fast I can make ya cry.
Hey, knock it of f, Eddie. Why you always givin' Beaver the business?
Well, basically because... it's so easy.
Wally, I want that bike more than anything ever, even super powers.
Don't go cry to Wally. You want advice on how to get a bike? Ask the master.
How will ll know when I see the master?
Because he's wearin' what I'm wearin'.
Now, let's chat, squirt. Have a seat inmy office.
Now, you want a bike, but you're a screwup.
- Eddie. - Isn't this the samekid...
who lost his Nikes, broke his Walkman and almost burned down the garage?
The garage wasn't Beaver's fault.
You got a birthday comin'. As any normal kid knows,
the way to score a cool present is to suck up to your parents.
- Suck up? - It's so second nature to me, I forget others find it hard.
Yes, suck up. Do something that'll make your old man proud.
He's a frustrated jock. Why not do something like... play football?
Football? He'll get demolished.
As appealing as that may sound, it doesn't matter.
The minute you get that bike... Wham! You quit the team.
But I don't do junk like that, Eddie. You do.
You flatter me. Do you want that bike or don't you?
[ Sighs ]
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
Hey, Dad! Dad!
- Beaver, wait!
- Aren't ya gonna say hi? - Hi. When's Dad coming home?
He should be home any minute.
Maybe I'll just wait for him outside.
Beaver? Is there somethin' I can help ya with?
Oh, no, Mom. I'm not supposed to be sucking up to you.
[Boy] Here you go.
- Dad! Dad! Dad! - Hey, Beaver!
Here, Dad, let me help you with your junk.
Did you do something wrong?
Gee, Dad, how come whenever ll act nice, people think I done something wrong?
Just conditioning, Beav.
Sure you don't want ahand with those?
Oh, no, Dad. I want your hands free...
to sign my permission slip so ll canplay...
for the Mayfield Mighty Mites.
[Clears Throat ] You wanna play... football.
-[ Whistle Blows ] R
Go, Beaver! Pick it up!
[Grunts]
Go! Go! Go!
- Yeah! - [ Whistle Blows ]
[Mom] Beaver? Play football?
You didn't tell him he could, did you, Ward?
Of course not. I told him I had to check with you first.
Oh! And make me the bad guy.
Do you want arepeat of T-ball season?
Have you forgotten about the Beaver...
- Who's winning now, Wally? - I don't know, Beav.
They're talking about stuff in the past that they're still ticked of f about.
Tell me you're doing this because it'sin your son's best interest...
and not to fulfill some lingering adolescent fantasy of yours.
What? Dear, when I was playing sandlot, it really changed my life.
I know what you're thinking, but Beaver's not too small to play football.
Hut! Hut! Hut!
- Hut! Hut! Hut! - Mayfield!
- Beav, other way! Other way! - Mayfield!
- One, two, three, four! - Your mommies, your daddies...
think this isn't about winning or losing!
One, two, three, six! One two, three, seven!
One, two, three, eight! One, two, three, nine!
[ Coach ] They think it's about building character, don't they, Cleaver?
We're gonna go over to this play here.
We're gonna have this guard pull out here. This guy pulls out here.
The quarterback drops back. We have an option.
He goes deep, and we go to him.
[ Coach's Voice ] Looks the same... Different look...
- This play is dif ferent. - See?
- It's allrelative. - [ Coach Continues, Indistinct ]
- Hmm? You understand? - The quarterback sneaks back.
We are here to do two things and two things only.
That is to win and to win big!
-[ Together ] Yeah! - Yeah!
Break!
- Break! - Come on, Beaver! Go get 'em!
Down! Set!
- You're lunch meat! - [Growls ] You're mine!
Go!
[ Grunting ] - Put it up, Cleaver!
- [Coach]Putitup! - [Screaming ]
There's gotta be an easier way to get a bike.
Yeah, well, what'd you expect, Beav?
Thereis areason football players wear more equipment than guys who train attack dogs.
Bedtime, boys.
Beaver, decided where you're gonna put that Heisman trophy?
You mean I don't have to wait till the end of the season to get a trophy?
He's just jokin' on ya, Beav. You don't get the Heisman trophy till college.
Well, after watching you today, I wouldn't rule it out.
You took some licks, but you didn't quit.
Your mom and I just want you to know how proud we are of ya.
I wanted to let you know I've decided to become a doctor when I grow up.
Oh, boy, wait'll I tell your mom. Ha'!
I always said football is areal confidence builder.
Back when I was playing sandlot I found that I learned the great many...
Yeah, well, you've heard this before.
Where did we leave of f?
Here we are.
"Now, Dottie the Dinosaur had never seen a human being before.
"Such a tiny creature who only walks on two legs and eats berries.
♪ Couldn't be much of a hunter, ' said Dottie.”
Dad! if a guy's old enough to play football,
then don't you think maybe he's too old to have his dad read to him?
Well, maybe you have a point there, Beav.
Youreadit yourself, but don't stay up too late.
- Thanks, Dad. - [ Chuckles ] Well, good night, Beav.
Uh, Dad, if a guy's too old to beread to,
then he's probably too old to get kissed good night to.
Good night, Dad.
Good night.
- 1 think he took that pretty well. - Yeah.
But I was worried, 'cause for a minute he had...
that same blubbery look he had at the end of The Lion King.
[ Dog Barking In The Distance ]
[ Mom ] Okay, everybody, gather around. It's time for cake.
- Come on! - Let's go, boys!
- Is everybody ready? - I'mlow on batteries.
J Happy birthday to you J
J Yousmelllike a wino ♪
J Happy birthday to you J ♪
- Make a wish, Beaver. - Big wish, Beav.
Make a wish.
- [ Cheering] - Way to go, Beav!
[ Murmuring ]
[ Eddie ] Hey, Lumpy, quit stuff in' your face and pay attention.
I've put together a little photographic compilation of my future soul mate.
And here"s Karen takin' her dog for a walk.
And here sheis at the store with her mom.
Oh! That's my favorite outfit of hers.
Eddie, you might want to back off a little bit, huh?
What are ya takin'about? I'm doin' goat.
A week ago we were total strangers. Last night... I was in her bedroom.
Wereinher bedroom, Yeah, you o
But Karen and her family were at the movies.
Can't you ever just be happy for me? Hmm?
Mom, Dad, can we open the presents now? Please, please, please, please.
June, you really should monitor the boy's sugar intake.
Here we are.
- This one is from Gilbert! - Oh, come on, Mrs. Cleaver.
Don't blame me, Beav. It's a recycle.
I wouldn't wear it when I got it, so my mom's giving it to you.
Wei, that's a lovely gut-to, Gum,
Well, I guess that's it.
- No, Beaver. There's more. - Really?
Wheel it out, Ward!
[ Together ] Whoa!
Wow.
- A computer. - From your Aunt Martha.
Thanks. Nothin' I like more than an educational gift.
- [ A ard ] Well, Beav!
What more could a boy ask for?
Yeah. I guess that's about all a guy could ask for, huh?
I'm glad you feel that way, but your mom and I wanted to get you something else.
[ Whistles ] Wally!
[ Boys ] Whoa!
Thanks, Morn! Thanks, Dad! You're the bestest parents in the whole universe!
Whoa! Awesome!
Whoo!
Whoa!
- Bye, Dad. Bye, Morn. - Here you go.
Bye.
- Bye, Mom. - Good-bye.
- Seeya, Dad. - Oh, Wally, could you do us a favor?
I'll do my homework every day without you guys havin' to crawlup my a...
That's great, Wally, but we weren't really going there.
Beaver's never ridden his bike to school before.
We were hoping you could go with him the first few days.
- Show him the ropes. - Oh'! I get ya.
You just don't want some truck turnin' the Beaver into roadkill.
Something like that. Yeah.
- See ya, Wal. - Okay, Dad.
- [Sighs] - [Sighs]
Well, there they go.
[ Chattering ]
- [ Bell Rings ] - [ Chattering Stops ]
L-A-N-D-E-R-S.
I play tennis. Llike to travel.
And I enjoy curling up in front of the fire with a big pile of book reports.
- Yes? - Excuse me, Miss Landers.
- But how many N's are there in tennis? PR
But you don't need to take notes. You aren't going to be tested on this.
- I'drather be safe thansorry. - [Gags]
- [Belches] - Then go right ahead.
Now, why don't you tell me about your summer vacations?
- Susan Akatsu. - Hi, Miss Landers.
This summer we went to Mount Rushmore, and then my grandmother died,
but not at Mount Rushmore.
- Oh, Susan, I'm very sorry to hear tha - Yeah! b
Everyone was sad, except my dad,
'cause she always said he never made enough money.
Thank you, Susan.
Gilbert Bates.
Yo, I'm Gilbert. This summer, my parents shipped me of f to camp.
I caught impetigo, and when I got back, my dad had moved out.
Only since then, he moved back.
But he"s still sleepin'in my room, and I'm sleepin' on the couch.
Thank you, Gilbert, for being so candid.
Oh! And while I was away, my cat got "runned" over.
[ R I [N
Uh, Theodore Cleaver.
RS E T - [ Laughing ]
Isn't that your name?
Yeah, but everyone calls me Beaver on account of it's my nickname.
But you can call me whatever you want,
'cause I don't wanna get you mad and have you give me a bad grade.
Well, if it's okay with you, I'll just call ya Theodore.
I got an awesome bike. My brother snuck meinto an "R" rated movie.
And I'm playin' football, solgotta wear a cup.
Thank you, Theodore.
Oh, and nobody in my family died.
- Hey, Wally! - Hey, guys!
- Ah, Wallace, how fortuitous. - What do you want, Eddie?
Karenisin there with a litter of her friends.
So 7?7 What youneed me for?
I thought you'd want to be a witness to history.
What's he talkin' about, R
It means he's too chicken to try and scam on her by himself.
Hey, Lumpy, ain't you late for your shrink appointment?
You promised you weren't gonna tell anyone!
And you trusted me. Big mistake. [Laughing]
Come on, Wally, a little help? You're my best friend, right?
That's what you keep tellin me.
Ah, what a sport.
Hey, can't youread? No dogs allowed.
Aw, come on, Eddie. I'm supposed to be watchin' him.
LR mature audiences only.
Tie him up to alamppost, and we'll bring him a bowl of kibble.
Just wait here. This won't take long.
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
[ Sniffs]
[ Chattering ]
Man, I wish I were that straw.
- Oh, my God. - I'll do the talking.
You just stand there and laugh and shake your head,
like, "Where the heck does he come up with this stuff?"
Take another step and I'll file arestraining order.
Easy. We come in peace.
Hey. Aren't you Wally Cleaver?
Yeah. And I guess you already know my friend Eddie?
We've never formally met.
Well, we just came to say hi.
- Seeya. - Youdon't have to leave yet.
Don't you wanna sit down?
Really?
D d [ Humming ]
R T - Thanks. I got it by lying to my dad.
Youridin' B.M.X., man?
Oh, no. I'm only allowed on the sidewalk.
Oh, a flatlander. Let me do some wheelin', huh?
- Y-Youwannarideit? - Hey, thanks, dude!
Cool!
Where'dyoulearn all that stuff?
It's a feel thing. I got a few more tricks.
Cool! Can you show me?
Yeah, sure. I got one you'll never forget.
- Don § "t worry! 'l just need to whip up a little tor que.
[Beaver] Awesome, dude!
Hastala vista, baby.
(g =378
Come back here! Hey!
[ Panting ]
So, did you feel the electricity betweenus?
- You didn't say a word in there. - Exactly!
SR TN some well-placed grunts,
just like my man, LI e
[Scoffs]
Come on, Beav. Let's go home.
- I can't. - How come?
This cool guy came up and wanted to show me...
these cool bike tricks, and ll let him ride my bide.
He did these cool bike tricks. I thought it was pretty cool.
He wanted to show me another trick, andlllet himride it.
Thenhe rode away and away and never came back!
AT T new bike jacked?
Beav, how could you let that happen?
Iguessit's cause he stoleit a little bit at a time.
Oh, man.
Thanks again for theride, Fred.
Don't worry. l won't let you forget it. [ Laughing ]
- Well? - I don't know.
But his hair looks kind of messed up, like he's been yelled at all day.
You know, Beav, youmay have lucked out, after all.
- Yeah, it's pretty good. - It's good, Mom.
- It's just delicious. - Yeah, I cooked dinner.
- Would you pass the meat, please? - Sure, Dad.
- June, you've outdone yourself. This meat is outstanding. - It's great, Mom.
Here you go. Did you get some bread?
Beaver? Why are you eatingso fast?
R TL I IR.
Don't be in such a hurry. Tell us everything you did today.
Everything?
Yes, tell us about your first day of school.
Oh, yeah, school.
I rode my bike there. My teacher"s name is Miss Landers.
She was real nice, but they always are on the first day so you don't freak.
Then the bell rang and I got on my bike and left and, uh...
Now I'm talking to you. May I be excused?
What about after school?
After school?
Uh, what did we do after school, Wally?
Well, I picked him up on his bike, just like you told me to.
And then we just did... 34704 I
Yeah, Dad, we did stuff.
Well, what kind of stuff?
LR A T can I have some broccoli?
Areyousure that's all that happened today?
Oh, yeah, sure. Right, Beav?
Boys, there's something bothering you, isn't there?
No, Dad. Why do you say that?
Well, for one thing, you hate broccoli.
All right, I'm going to ask you again. This time I want an honest answer.
Did something happen that you don't want us to know about?
Yes.
L[ What wasit?
I'm on the football team, and I'm going to be a doctor, maybe evenin Africa.
Beaver.
My bike got "stoled.”
Stole? How could this happen?
You've only had that bike for fivedays!
Actually, it's only been four. Dad, I'm sorry! Honest!
Well, "sorry" isn't gonna bring back your bicycle, is it?
Or your Ken Griffey Junior rookie card.
Or your Game Boy.
I'm not even gonna mention the garage.
Ward, the garage was not Beaver's fault.
UL RN You're right, dear.
What bothers me s that you have no respect for your personal possessions.
- Doyou? - No, sir.
- How can you say that? - 1 thought that's what you wanted me to say.
- Ward. - This is another example of what happens...
when you're not paying attention, isn't that right, Wally?
But, Dad, I didn't do anything.
Exactly. Weren't you supposed to be looking after your brother today?
- Yeah... - Well, where were you when all this happened?
Inside the soda shop havin' a shake with Eddie.
Oh! Fine! Fine!
We looked everywhere forit, Dad!
We really expected a lot more from you, Wally.
Boy, parents are weird, huh?
I mess up, and they get even madder at you.
[ Groans JHey... [Groans ]
What did ya shove me for?
I'm sick of always baby-sitting ya.
I'm sick of ya following me around.
"Hey, Wally, canlcome? Canlplay too? Canl, Wally?"
- Shut up! - Make me, fart breath!
- That's it. 'm telling. - No! You'renot!
- [Beaver Screams ] - Youknow what bothers me?
When something like this happens, why do they feel they have to coveritup?
Maybe they were afraid you'd fly of f the handle without giving them a chance to explain.
You didn't disappoint them, did you?
- [Grunts] RN
When I was growing up, I said I'd never holler at my kids...
like my dad did, and I did it again, didn't 1?
Why is it all men are more concerned about their relationships...
with their fathers than they are their own children?
My father was like that too. Hmph.
[Beaver Shouts, Faint ]
[T N
RN RN
[ Beaver Grunts ]
E[ 418 Whoa!
[ Shouting ]
[ Wally Grunts ]
Don't let go, Beav. Don't let go.
- I still think you overreacted. - Well, maybe you're right, dear.
Youknow, I ought to go right up there...
and apologize for losing it.
That would be nice.
I just don't want them to get of f the hook so easily.
Is it too much to ask for them to accept...
a little responsibility for themselves?
For what that bike cost, they can sweat it out a little longer.
[ Both Straining ]
Come on, Beav.
Thanks. Oops!
Oh, no!
AU.
[Grunts]
You know, June, maybe I should give those boys a little more credit.
- Mm-hmm. - [ Thudding ]
[T N
[ Grunting Continues ]
I I. RN E I. TR.
Just because you saved my life doesn't mean I forgot you called me fart breath.
[ Grunts, Shouts ]
Boys!
[Gulps ]
[ Barking ]
Good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I took the liberty of bringing you your mail.
Well, thank you, Eddie. But the boys are grounded so you can't come in.
Do ldetect anew fragrance?
- Would that be patchouli oil? - Thank you for noticing.
Youknow, Mrs. Cleaver, and I say this with all due respect,
for amom, you're quite the babe.
[ Door Closes ]
Uh, behold a prime specimen of "teenus screw-upius."
What do you want?
Youknow howitis when you're driving on the freeway.
You see an accident. Youcan't help but look at the wreckage.
Yeah, thanks for BT A LT
Now, what I need you to do is call up my petite flower...
and find out how much she digs me without sounding like I'm the guy that put ya up toit.
Oh, yeah? What'sinit for me?
The proud glow you'll feel realizing you've helped launch a successful union.
And who knows, maybe she has some nice quiet friend for you.
[ AT TN
You're not gonna sucker me into being the go-between.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello?
Um, hello? It's me!
[Laughs ] W-Wally Cleaver.
Lo N B
Yeah, um, I'm just callin' out of the blue to,
you know, say hi.
Well, I'm glad you did. I'msort of...
having this boy-girl party on Saturday, and I wanted to invite you.
- Really? - I wanted to ask you at the soda shop,
but it was a little awkward with that Eddie standing there.
Yeah, I canunderstand that.
Enough with the cutesy banter. Start talkin' me up.
- Do you wanna do this? - No. Fine.
You know, Eddie's not such a creep once you get to know him.
Oh, my God. He's standing right next to you, isn't he?
Yeah, that's... That's quite true.
I guess I can't invite you without inviting him too.
- That would be terrific. - What? What... [ Gasps ]
Listen, Wally,
now that youhave my number and all,
next time you're alone, why don't you give me a call?
It was great talking to you too, Karen.
Good-bye.
- Something on your mind, Beaver? - Kinda.
On TV it showed this guy who used to play football,
but can't anymore on account of he got tackled so hard.
Come on, Beav. When I was your age, playing peewee, I took my lumps.
Got knocked down and I picked myself up.
That's football. That's a lot like life really.
I just wanna make sure all my body parts are workin' right.
What are you saying? You wanna quit the team?
Dol? Thanks, Dad! What arelief.
Well, you can't.
Why not?
Because first it's this, next thing you quit school.
Then one day you quit your job, your marriage and anything else that gives you troubleinlife.
- 1 can quit school? - Beaver...
You're not listening to me.
If youreally wanna make your dad proud, then don't be a quitter.
Okay, Dad. I'll quit tryin' to be a quitter.
Beaver.
You stick withit. Keep playin® hard.
Who knows? One day you may be riding anew bike around Mayfield.
[Ty
[ Growling ]
[Ty
[ Chattering ]
[ManOnP.A. System] Welcome to Centennial Field...
for the opening game of Mighty Mite football.
Thank you. Oh, boy, you want some popcorn, huh?
- How are sales, June? - Good, dear! What would you like?
[T N
[ Both Groaning ]
[ Announcer ]Mayfield will be kicking of f to Oak Park.
[ Coach ] Okay, everybody, get ready for the kickoff.
Look alive!
(RS Y
Beav! Go!
(RS Y
Hey! Mayfield! Don't take uh-uh!
[ Announcer ] With 38 seconds leftin the game,
Mayfield has a five-point lead and the ball.
Okay, the rules say I gotta play everyone.
Let's see.
Cleaver.
Yeah, Coach?
Son, I want you to run astrongright 28 "T" on go. Gotit?
Got it.
Aliright, fellas! Be strong out there! Protect that ball!
Go tell the quarterback the play.
- Oh! lgetit. - [ Chuckles ]
Go, Beaver!
Strong right 28 "T" on go. Strong right 28 "T" on go.
So, what's the play?
- Well? - Uh, I'll be right back.
[ Announcer ] Seems to be a little confusion at the Mayfield huddle.
- Go, Beaver! - Go, Beaver!
- Yeah! - Break'!
[ Man]Moveit, boys! L'
Down'!
Set! Go!
Yeah!
Whoa!
[Grunts]
- Go! - Yes!
- 1 - [ Growling]
- Beaver, throw me the ball. - No!
(o)
- What? - [ Spectators Gasping ]
R I. - [ Spectators Shouting ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Announcer ] Unbelievable! Oak Park wins!
Hey, Beav, how could you throw the ball to an Oak Park guy?
That was George Tibbles. At camp we were on the same teamin Color War.
Maybe if you started crying, people would feel sorry for ya.
Don't worry about it, Beav. You'll get "em next time.
In fact, I'm looking forward toit.
Thanks a lot, Eddie.
I am very pleased with the results of the astronomy test.
Although, there's still some confusion about Pluto.
While its planetary classification is stilluncertain,
LAY T not Mickey's dog.
Rats.
A I. T T = pulled up your grade.
EA(IT I - e MY e
Yeah, a "See me after class.” [Laughs ]
- [ Bell Rings ] - [ Gasps ]
[ Screaming]
Okay. Good-bye, Judy. Thank you, Judy. Bye-bye.
Theodore, I thought it might be better if we had a chance to talk in private.
I want you to understand this is not a punishment.
Don't worry. I know what you look like when you get mad.
I was there the time you caught Larry going through your purse.
Theodore,
did you have a chance to study for this test?
I worked real hard, Miss Landers. I studied till my head hurt.
I guess I just didn't get any of it.
- I'dreally hate to see ya fall behind. - Yeah, me too.
Nobody likes being the guy who makes you listen to the same junk over and over...
that you got bored listening to in the first place.
I'm sure that's a terrible feeling.
Would it help if you and I reviewed this material after school for a few days?
[ Whistle Blowing, Boys Shouting ]
[Coach] Let's go! What are ya doin'?
You mean you'd be willing to help me after school more than just today?
LTI LR
If I was real dumb, could we meet every Tuesday and Thursday until about 4:30?
And maybe even some Saturdays too?
[ Door Slams ]
It is the mental errors that will cause a team to lose.
- I don't wanna name any names... - Go ahead and say his name all you want.
Beaver's not here. He's falling behind, and he's gotta stay after school.
Oh. He will be missed.
[ Dog Barking ]
[ Bicycle Approaching ]
[ Tires Skidding ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Whirring ]
D d [ Humming ]
- Hi! - You're home early.
- June. - [Vacuum Off ]
You're vacuuming in pearls. Youknow what that does to me.
Hmm. Stick around.
Later I'll slip into a pair of oven mitts.
Oh!
Geez! Why don't you two get aroom?
-[Laughs JWally.
- [ Chuckles ] - [ Chuckles ]
Oh, hi. AT
- How was practice today? - Uh, about the same as always, I guess.
I want to talk to you about your game on Saturday.
AT I. [Gulps ]
I'msorrylcan't be there. I have to go out of town on business.
Oh!
I'll be there the following Saturday for sure.
You will?
But, Dad, you promised you were comin' to my game that day.
I did?
Now, boys, your father can't be two places at once.
You go ahead and see Wally play, Dad.
He's older thanlam, so he's got a lot less games left in him.
That's very considerate of you, Beaver.
Yeah, I'mreal'siderate. That's what it said on my second grade report card.
Come on, my little football star.
Why don't you go upstairs and get cleaned up for dinner?
Okay, Mom.
- Hello, Mr. Haskell. - Hey, Wally.
Oh, I guess nobody skimped on the aftershave.[ Laughs ]
So, your first boy-girl party. [Laughs ]
Let me take this opportunity to impart upon you a little wisdom...
culled from years of experience in the field.
That's very generous of you, Dad.
Boys, women are all a bunch of bloodsuckers,
out to get ya any way they can.
When they finally succeed in breaking your spirit,
they'll flush you like a dead goldfish.
Now, you boys be on your way and have a great time.
There was a time my brothers didn't want me tagging around with them.
- Did it bum you out? - Not really. I'd tag along anyway.
They'd go to the drive-in with their girlfriends. I'd sit in the backseat...
- Ward. T
- Ward? - Oh, yeah.
We didn't ask if Karen's party was gonna be chaperoned.
June, please, they're 12-year-old boys. Come on.
Underneath all that preening and strutting,
they live in wide-eyed fear of the opposite sex.
No.
N
I'll be waiting in the laundry room...
while you two budding beauties fight it out.
[ Together ] 3TN
So, Tammy, you won, huh?
LRI A Let's just get this over with.
LA copper plumbing.
Must have set Karen's old man back a pretty penny.
Do you not want to do this?
- Don't you? - Sort of, but not with you.
I can appreciate that.
"B I right! Allright!
[Girl] How wasit?
BTN I. Tie - Do you even have to ask?
- Wow. - [Girl]Wally's up.
- Come on, Wally. Yeah. - Hey, come on, Wally.
(KN Wally, Wally.
You want the lights [ I
I think maybe of f is better.
- This is pretty awkward, huh? YN
But if lhave to do this with someone, I'm gladit's someone I really like.
Really?
You couldn't tell?
I was really trying not to notice...
because of Eddie and all.
You're a good friend, Wally.
But I don't think you two will ever be this close.
B I. T T - Hi, Miss Drucker!
- [ Laughing ] - [Barking]
[ Laughing ] Sorry.
[ Shrieking ]
- [ Camera Clicks ] - [ Laughing ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Together ] 3TN
Well, maybe it's like when you get a new toy,
and after a few days you get sick of playin' withit.
Looks like he's havin' more fun with her than I ever did with a Slinky.
- I'm gonna miss Wally. - He's still my brother.
Beav, the friend or brother you once knew is dead.
No, Wally's dif ferent.
Hey, my brother and I were pretty tight too, then he got a girlfriend.
Now all we ever doiis fight.
- Really? - Every time she gets mad at him, I get my butt kicked.
- Don't worry, Beav. You still got us. YN
- Let's go. - [Grunts]
Lused to want to stay a kid my whole life.
But lately, I just want to get it over with.
[Landers] Theodore is my best helper.
His lima bean has grown faster than anyone else's.
But there's a problem, isn't there, Miss Landers?
Why don't we take a look at Theodore's "Me" book?
- Oh, it's great. - Oh![ Laughs ]
B ITS B CH
He did a lovely job with the bay windows in the front.
At this age, we're looking for more detail in the drawings.
For example, clothes.
Fingers. Feet?
I hardly think a few missing fingers is anything to be alarmed over.
Here in class Theodore is having a lot of trouble keeping up.
I think his self-image is really suffering as aresult.
I took the liberty of discussing this matter with our principal, Mrs. Rayburn.
She would like a meeting between your family and our district psychologist.
- Ward? - Hmm?
I'm worried about the Beaver.
80, Theodore, why don't you tell me a little about yourself?
Well, I'm four foot, three.
I go to school, and il got some European in my blood.
That's very nice. Do you enjoy school?
Oh, yes, excepting for "noman ruminals.”
That's a tough one, UL.
So, what do you like to do for fun?
I'm a normal kid. I like to do normal junk just like normal regular kids do.
The Beaver has always shown arealinterest in science.
He's very close with his brother.
And he plays football for the Mayfield Mighty Mites.
I didn't know they played football at that age.
You're never too young to play a sport that teaches you...
LIV T T T coordination, discipline.
- Were you a football player, Ward? - Played some sandlot.
- Interesting. - [Ward]Oh!
Wait a minute. I know what you're doing. I can assure you you're wrong.
- Wrong about what? - I'mnot one of those fathers.
- What do youmean? - One of those fathers who push their kids...
to try to fill the gaps in their own lives.
Jtme, backmemhere.
I've always felt that eight was a little young to be playing such a violent game.
Oh, really?
I do not think this is the time or place to have this discussion.
Oh, I think learning to have discussions is exactly why we're here.
No. What youreally want to dois gang up onme...
for pushing my kids into sports.
Let me remind you that Wally started playing football the same age as Beaver.
Last year he was M.V.P., an honor student, president of his class.
I don't know many boys his age who can whip up a better Spanish omelet, right?
I RYUTT who you think I am.
I'm a terrible person.
My best friend just wanted to know what she thought of him,
and the next thing I knew UL R RN TR
- makin' out. - Making?
I can't eat. l can't sleep. My whole body feels heavy.
I can't go onlike this any longer, but I won't give her up!
I won't!
Please, continue.
[ Clicks, Whirs ]
[Ringing]
I'm sorry, Eddie. I don"t believe Wally is expecting you...
Don't think you need to create a smoke screen for your son, Mr. Cleaver.
Wallace and I have discussed his relationship with Karen...
and ultimately we feel our friendship is strong enough...
to survive some schoolboy dalliance.
Oh, hello, Eddie. Beaver's upstairs in his room.
- What? You're here to see Beaver? TN
We're having a little p.j. party.
Now that Wallace doesn't have as much time as he used to for young Theodore,
I have takenit upon myself to slip in and fill that void.
Well, I'm gonna sleep a lot better knowing that.
Oh, hi, Eddie. I got a model. Irented a video.
Andlook at these. I got about a thousand pennies we can wrap up.
Let's get something straight, Beavis.
I didn't come here to have a good time. I'm just using you.
Oh.
Wallace, what's the occasion? Job interview?
Cut it out, Eddie. You know I'm taking Karen skating tonight.
Oh, sure, throw it in my face.
You're out having alce Capade with my babe, whilel watch Balto with the Beaver.
So we are going to watch the movie?
- Shut up. - Eddie, what did you come over for?
- To see how miserable you could make me? - Pretty much.
Well, I got news for you. Karen was never interestedin you at all.
Then why'd she invite me to her party?
Imade sure she invited you, because I felt sorry for you.
RN IR B you're a backstabber and a liar.
Aliright. That's it, Haskell. Let's do it right now!
You know, he just hasn't been the same since the growth spurt.
Come, Theodore. Last time I was herel hid pudding pops inback of the freezer.
Ll!
Boy, Wally, I never knew you were such a crummy guy.
- Me first! L= TR R
- Aliright! Come on! - Comeon!
[ Laughing ] Come on.
Karen, I-l was thinking...
- that maybe if tonight went real well... - [Boy ]Karen!
- That... - Kyle!
- [Gasps] - [Laughs ]
-1 thought you, like, moved?
My mom booked, so now we're living with my dad's parents.
- It sucks, but I'm never home anyway. - Yeah.
Oh, this is my...
Uh, this is Wally.
- Cool sweater. - Nice earring.
Kyle and I grew up across the street from each other.
- We used to, like, take baths together. - Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.Ha.
- [Keyboard Keys Clicking ] - Hey, Eddie, did you know there was...
areal dog named Balto, and he cured diphtheria?
Well, 'l be.
Your old man's always cryin' poverty, but he's sittin' on a sweet nest egg.
Are you supposed to be looking at all that stuff?
What's with you? Don't you like doin' things you're not supposed to?
I would if I could get away with 'em,
but I'm just not as good atit as youare.
[ Clicks, Tone Strikes ]
It's a good thing you found out what arat your brother is now,
instead of waitin' for when they're carvin' up your old man's estate.
Yeah, 'vebheenreal WA TR T W...
since that time at the Twin Pools when he held me underwater.
RN ya just can't trust the guy.
I think we should sneak of f to the skating rink, spy on the little gigolo.
I don't think my parents would like that.
What to do. What to do.
Mom! Dad! Can we camp out in the backyard?
Far be it from me to inhibit the boy's sense of adventure.
[ Eddie ]"...in the living room, while my parents either read or play Scrabble.
Come time to go to bed, it took several times to get the Nintendo shut of f."
I'm not so sure I like Eddie being so nice to the Beaver.
Oh, now, Ward, if you gave the boy half a chance, he might just surprise you.
Maybe so, but there's something about him I just don't trust.
[Eddie ] "He said I was crazy.
[ Eddie Continues, Indistinct ]
"Well, something about that TV must have been bothering me.
"Because ll just laid awake in bed staring at the ceiling.
The more I tried not to feel scared, the scareder I became."
[ Chattering ]
[Beaver] There's Karen.
N A IR g
Thereheis, [TV S O.
Hey, babe, let me go grab my stuff,
then we can blow outta here.
- Thanks for the fizz, bud.
Listen, Wally, I hope you don't mind?
Kyle's really upset. He really needs someone to talk to.
Areyoumad at me?
No. I mean, it's obvious the guy's got a lot of problems.
Thanks. You're such a nice guy.
[ Kissing Sound ]
I wish people would quit saying that.
She dumped him.
Once again, fate has dealt me a winning hand.
If Wally hadn't have stole Karen from you, you'd be the one down there...
lookin' like you're about ready to cryin front of the whole world.
80, in a way, it's kind of like Wally did you a favor.
So then at the ice skating rink, right? I'm skating, and I'm-—-
- Hey, dude! - Hey, Kyle!
- Dig theride. - Thanks. Stole it from some kid.
So, uh, who's the Betty?
Uh, just some chick. I stole her from some guy.
Oh! See yalater.
ST-T-RVE MG R Hey, Karen. Pizza?
80, back to the story about the ice skating rink...
- Hey, Romeo. - What are you guys doin' here?
Just educating young Theodore on the perils of teen dating.
Wait. Were you guys at therink?
[Beaver ]But don't worry, Wally. Westill love you.
Hey, look, my bike!
Comeback here! Give me back my bike!
[ Wally ]Come on! Come on! Stop, you thief!
Let's get him!
[ Wally ] Hurry up!
Where'dhe go? There he is. Get back here!
- Hmm? - [ Beaver ] Hey, you, come back here!
- Fish! - Whoa'! -Ewww!
Adios, amigos!
Good evening, Mrs. Hensler.
And what a fine automobile you're driving tonight.
- What are you boys doing here? - Well, Wallace, um,
Theodore and myself just got a sudden craving for sushi.
G =R
Hey, that was Mrs. Hensler.
[ Wally ] Big mouth.
[Together ] Dad! We gotta get home!
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Ward, Claire Hensler.
Isn'tit a little late for Beaver to be vandalizing a fish market on a school night?
Beaver's not vandalizing a fish market on a school night.
He's safely tucked away in a tent in our backyard, listening to scary stories.
I LT.
What lmust have seen was only the clone of young Theodore covered in mackerel.
Despite what you may think, I know my boys better than you do.
- [ Phone Slams, Dial Tone Hums ] - [ Chuckles ]
Beav, stay back. ORI Y
- [ Thudding ] - Eddie.
[ Eddie ]"My mouth got dry, and my heart started thumping so hard.
I thought it was going to come clear out of my chest."
PR R
[ ] B I 1 [ Tires Screeching ]
- Sorry again, mister! - [Sighs ]
[Grunts]
Ick!
[ Eddie ] "downstairs.
"I walked into the living room and checked out the TV.
"It was real warm, as if someone had just been watchingit.
"Then out of nowhere, it pops on...
"and begins to play that same weird Nintendo game I saw earlier.
"Well, I almost jumped out of my skin.
"To make matters worse, the piano...
"begins to sound of f with a strange little song.
I turned back to stare at the cat..."
B A EN - Shh. This is the good part.
Allright. Good night, boys.
[ Sniffs ] Anyone ever hear the word bath?
"Pepper is strutting across the keys.
His tail straight up behind him."
Scary stories just aren't as scary when you don't have a bike anymore.
Yeah, they're not that great when you don't have a girl anymore either.
Maybe I should get something stolen from me sol can join you two mopesters.
You better help us get that bike!
[ Bell Ringing ]
Okay, good work, everybody.
Don't forget. We have a spelling pretest tomorrow.
Wanna come over to my house and watchmy sister making out with her boyfriend?
I can't.I got "football” practice.
Oh, right. Gotcha.
I've been having a hard time keeping up with the math stuff again.
Maybe we should go over it some more.
I'msorry. I won't be able to help you today.
I have a teacher's conference, but maybe Judy could help you.
Certainly, Miss Landers!
I sure would hate to see Beaver get left behind.
Thank you, Judy. I'm sure Theodore will be in very good hands.
Dd [ Drumroll ]
Allright! Sit down and shut up!
You're gonna learn this stuff if I have to shoveit down your throat!
And where do you think you're going, Beaver Cleaver!
Thanks anyway, Judy, but I'd rather go through third grade a hundred times...
than listen to your ugly voice for one minute.
- Gee, Larry, take a breath. - [ Chattering]
Hello, Beaver.
Oh. Hi, Karen.
Go ahead. Ask him.
[Karen]
Beaver, so, how's Wally been doing?
He's been kind of crummy.
Why has he been so crummy?
Lately he's had the same look on his face the Hunchback did...
when Esmeraldaran of f with the good-looking guy.
Bye, Beaver.
Hey, we got an hour and a half to kill till practiceis over. Wanna go to thelibrary?
Okay. We canlook at that National Geographic...
with the native girls of Chiluaga.
EACEUN - Hey, Beav, you gonna eat that?
Mm-mm.
[Fred] Well, Frank, you did it again.
Now, come on. Get outta here beforel call Security.
- Bye-bye. - Bye!
- Bye-bye. - Thanks again.
That is how the game is played, Ward, old man.
Drill 'em, fill 'em and bill 'em.
Take notes and one day, maybe, you'll have a corner of fice.
I'll say this, Fred. What ll saw today, I'm sure they don't teachin any business school.
Learnit, useit and pass it on.
The best part is, I finally have time tomakeit to one of Beaver's games.
LT R TN
It's due back LR el
I want to check this out.
Hey, Beav, look.
That's the biggest coffee cup I've ever seen.
Hey, that place finally opened, huh?
Yeah, and ll can't wait to have my first iced "mochaccino.”
Hey, it's you! Give me back my bike!
Your bike? I get the feelin' I'm being accused of somethin' here.
Youknow what he's talkin' about, Kyle?
Yeah. You stole his bike, and he wants it back.
Give me my bike back, or I'll call my brother.
Youmean, Wally?
Doesn't he have enough trouble hanging onto his own belongings?
I'll tell you what. I'll make you a deal.
Me and Kyle have been arguing about that big cup up there.
He says there's coffeeinit, and I say thereisn't.
It's probably not coffee. They probably got a machine up there that makes steam.
That's what I said, but the sign says it's coffee,
and Kyle thinks there's alaw against fake advertising.
So what's the deal?
You climb up there and prove I'mright...
and that there's no coffeeinit, I'll give you your bike back.
Youwant me to climb up there? No way!
I guess you're right, man. This kid here, he's got no spine.
Come on, man. Let's blow outta here. I gotta meet Karen.
Wait. How do I know once I get up there, you'll really give me my bike back?
Dude, what other choice NI g
[ Sighs ]
[ Snickers ]
[T N
[ Shouting ]
[ Coach]Let's see some hustle now. Come on. Moveit!
- There's so sign of the Beaver. - Maybe he was drafted by the Packers.
[ Fred Laughing ]
IR I. G
RN IRV
Oh!'Uh, have a good game, son. Go get "em!
Boy, it's high up here.
It just looks that way, 'cause you're way up there.
But from down here, it's not that high at all.
[ Panting ]
Coach Gordon? Hello. Ward Cleaver.
Oh, yeah, hi. How areya?
- This is Fred Rutherford. ST N
So, your son doing any better in school?
Pardon?
That's why he had to leave the team, so he could get extra help after school, right?
Geez, you'll have to excuse me, Coach.
I seem to find myself out of the loop on this one.
[Grunts]
() - Whoa'! Come on, Beav! Quit screwin' around!
[T N
Youmadeit, Beaver! Youmadeit!
Hey, Larry! I can't seeinside!
Whoa! [Grunts]
[ LA TR R ] T I didn't hear a splash.
- Dol get my bike back now? - Deal's a deal. Come ondown and get it.
- I can't get out! - Are you welching on your deal?
- Kids today! They just got no moral code. - Yeah.
Hey, Larry, 'm gonna be stuck inhere forever.
Okay, okay, don't panic. I'll get the police.
No, the cops will tell my parents, and then they'll find out I quit the football team'!
If that's what you're worried about, you deserve to be seeing a shrink.
[ Feet Scraping Side ]
PR R
Wally! What are you doing? We're gonna be having dinner soon.
Don't worry, Mom. WY I. AL I
Hello, dear. How was your day at the salt mines?
June, where's the Beaver?
Um, he's at his game.
No, he's not. They haven't seen himin two weeks.
I think this is one of those conversations I should go upstairs for.
Wally, your father and I need to know what's goin' on right now.
Okay, but if you don't mind me saying so,
I don't think that going and thrashing on the Beaver is gonna help any.
I was not planning to thrash on anyone, Wally.
I'd just like to know what's going on under my own roof.
Allright. [ Sighs ]
R like the Beaver,
except we all know he"s not the smartest guy...
or the best-lookin® and that he's got a tendency to lose things.
P T I. AT o g
The guy's got enough troublein his life...
without always havin' to worry about lettin' ya down.
[RN EN] BT R
Hi, Mrs. Cleaver.
I sure hope you're in a good mood.
[ Giggles Nervously ]
[ Siren Wailing ]
Stand back! Step aside here!
[ Dispatcher On Police Radio, Indistinct ]
Hey, Wally, looks like we just crowned anew village idiot.
[ Helicopter Whirring ]
Ah, Mr. Cleaver, I hope you're as moved...
by this fine show of civic support for your second bornaslam.
- Beright back.
I might add, Mrs. Cleaver, evenin the most dire circumstances...
you look as though you've just walked of f the runway.
- Eddie. - Yes, Mrs. Cleaver.
Cut the crap.
Things are really percolating herein downtown Mayfield...
as a little boy, caught in a giant coffee cup,
has refused attempts by rescue personnel to extricate him.
Now it appears that that job has landed on the shoulders of his father.
- Th-That's Dad! - Beaver?
Oh!
- [Helicopter Whirring ] - Hello, Beaver.
B (U1 - Yes, sir.
If it's okay, I'd rather you yell at me up here thanin front of the whole town.
I have no intention of yelling at you.
You say that now, but you just might forget once you hear everything.
I know all about the football team, Beaver.
Thanks a lot, Wally.
The problemisn't who lheard it from. It's that I didn't hear it from you.
- I wanted to tell ya, Dad! - Then why didn't ya, Beav?
"Cause I couldn't decide which was worser:
screwin' up by playin' or screwin' up by quittin'.
Either way, I didn't want to go disappointin' ya again.
Why would you say something like that?
'Causeit's true. Ever since my bike got stole,
you've been givin' me the look.
What look is that?
It's alook like you don't like what I'm doin', but you don't wanna tell me.
ST M TN give you any...
Oh, I do that, huh?
My dad used to do that.
Used to make me feel like nothin' I ever did was good enough for him.
If you didn't like it when your dad gave you the look,
then why'd you giveittome?
Well, Beaver, I...
I guess I just forgot what it felt like...
to be a little boy.
Maybe one day when you're in my shoes,
you won't make some of the same mistakes with your son.
Yeah, but if Igrow up and have as dumb a kid as me,
it'd be hard not to want to belt him.
[Laughs ] Oh, Beav.
You know what unconditional loveis, Beaver?
Uh-uh.
It means that when you're a parent,
you love your children exactly the same,
no matter if they get straight A's or stuck in a giant coffee cup.
- Youunderstand? - Well, sure, I get it, Dad,
'cause that's the way I feel about you.
Oh, Beaver.
Thank you, son.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Let's get out of this steam bath. What do you say? Come on.
Hey, Dad, now that we talked about all this junk,
do you think it'd be all right if I sorta went back to the team?
You don't have to play football, Beaver, or do anything you don't want to,
except take a bath.
It's just next week the game's against Benton, and we're gonna get killed,
so all the parents will probably buy us pizza to make us feel better.
[Ty Come on. Up you go.
LU AN [Grunts]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Yay!
R I. Y - Go, Mayfield!
Don't forget to visit the Mayfield Harvest Festival after the game.
Here we are. Look at this beautiful chocolate pie.
Look at that. You were last year's winner, weren't you?
- Come on, Stacy! - [ Girl] Coming, Judy.
Here we go.
- Here you go. - Hey, this is good.
- Hey, Kyle, could you get me a soda? - Oh, sure.
I'm a little short. Yougotabuck?
Be right back, babe.
- Hey, couple of sodas. - [Man ] Sure thing.
Thanks, bud.
[ Announcer ] Time-out, Mayfield, with tenseconds left in the game.
- Hey, Karen! Here's your soda. - Thanks.
Hey, man, let's get some popcorn.
Yeah, but you better stay here.
You might see something that'll kill your appetite.
- You wanna go to the festival? BTN
- Cool. - Yeah.
Mayfield is down toits final play, trailing Benton 24 to 20.
[ Giggles ] Hi, everybody.
If you're worried about us jumping all over you for losin' that game for us, forget it.
Yeah. The coach said makin' fun of a guy is unsportsmanlike.
- Thanks, guys. BY TR
[ Together ] We are alive! Go!
80, uh, what's the play?
Oh! Pass protection, 86 on go.
LG VA o - Le
(RS Y
- Come on'! - Go, Beaver!
Down! Set!
- Go! - [Grunting]
- There goes Beaver'! - Go, Beaver!
[Grunts]
- [Crowd Cheering] - Go, Cleaver! Run!
- Run, Beaver! - Run!
- Cleaver, run! - Come on, Beaver!
. -Run! No! Wrong way!
- Cleaver's running the wrong way... - Stop him!
Toward the Benton goal line!
- Beaver! RN
Cleav...
My bike! Stop!
BT U - Comeback here!
Go!
- Go! - Go, Beaver!
[Coach] Go, Cleaver! Go!
R I. Y - Touchdown!
[ Announcer ] Unbelievable'! Cleaver scores! Mayfield wins'!
[ Panting ]
- You want some fudge? - Sure.
- How about a brownie? B %A
- Hey, bro. - Give me back my bike!
[ Kyle Laughing ] Go, brother! Go!
- What a loser family. - Oh, yeah?
Aah!
[] - Aah! messes with Nobody my brother!
I'll be right back.
Here. You need a little bit of topping.
[ Murmuring ]
[Gasps]
One hot dog with mustard. Here you go, sir.
- Hey!'Hey! - Careful!
Whoa! [Grunts]
- Not again! - Ooh!
[Gasps]
- Ha, ha, ha. - [Groans]
A (-1
- Gotcha! BTN
- Nice dress, Judy. - [Gasps]
D J [ Beaver Humming ]
D J [ Humming Continues ]
Giveitarest, Beav.
You're gonna be so tired from polishing it, you won't be able to ride it.
Don't worry about that. I figureit's a lot safer if I don't ride it anymore.
- Come on, boys. Time for bed. - Dd [Humming ]
Beaver, this bike isn't going to stay up here forever, isit?
Oh, no, Mom. When I get married, Il move it into my new house.
Well, good night, Wally.
- Good night, Mom. - Good night. [ Kissing Sound ]
- Good night, Beaver. - Night, Wally.
- [Kissing Sound ] - [Sighs]
Hey, maybe we can make an exception tonight about me giving you a kiss.
Yeah, Dad, I guess it wouldn't kill anybody.
Good night, Beaver. [ Kissing Sound ] I - Good night.
Dad, even though I'm playing football,
it might still be okay for youtoread to me now and then, wouldn't it?
Areyousure about that, Beaver?
I figure I'm not gonna be a little kid forever.
So we ought to do as much of this kind of junk while we still can.
"Now, Dottie the Dinosaur had never seen a human being before.
"Such a tiny creature who only walks on two legs and eats berries.
"" Couldn't be much of a hunter, ' said Dottie.
"I heard that, ' Billy cried to the towering beast above him.
"Could you speak up?' Dottie said. 'l can barely hear you down there.'
"Billy could hardly imagine what the next insult...
"coming out of this long-necked, sharp-toothed, drooling beast would be.
"And as Billy started to walk away,
"a big leathery-fanged paw scooped him up and held him to its nose.
"But this time, in a quieter, sweeter voice, Dottie said...
with what seemed like a tear running down her cheek..."
Hey, Dad, I really like the way youread to me.
Why, thank you, Beaver. You wouldn't be suckin' up again, would ya, son?
Oh, no, Dad. It's still a while till Christmas.
"Well, what did she look like, ' Billy said..."
[ Continues Reading, Indistinct ]